Echoism and Pain

I run across the term Echoism just yesterday. Echoism is considered opposite of narcissism, and that it stems from the fear of being narcissism, the fear of attention, and becoming a burden to others.

This term was first described by a clinical psychologist, Dr. Malkin, who also demonstrates signs of echoism. Generally, an echoist is someone who is afraid to take up any space, low self-esteem, where everyone else comes first, very difficult to receive love and care, have poor boundaries and never ask for help.

I think I’m an echoist. And I realized I have such a big big weakness, that would change my life, my everything.

Echoism is not a disorder like narcissism, but rather, a personality trait. But this is not good at all. For me, personally. It is a cause of pain, for me, for everyone around me. Like today. I don’t know how to say sorry in this case, for whom I hurt is my loved one. I was never taught to say sorry, and never seemed to learn how to say sorry. Relationships are beautiful, but also hard to keep, right? What should I do? How can “sorry” mend everything I have broken?
I think “sorry” is not appropriate or it never ever was. If you have hurt others, they are wounded. Sorry wouldn’t take what you said and did away from the world memory, it’s just useless sorry, like “I hurt you, sorry”. What’s the point anyway?
It’s somehow already another topic. I’m sorry that I shouldn’t have gone so off-topic.

Most of the time, I push people away from me, refuse to accept that they accept me. I always feel I’m a burden to others, and they are better off without me. Sometimes, I’m not listening to my own voice, sometimes I put others too much ahead of me. Yet, I crave for attention, I am hungry for love, affection, for someone who actually cares about me, and notices my presense, looks at me as a whole, with strengths and weaknesses. However, didn’t I push them away before?

I think I don’t deserve them, I think they are better off without me. When I am in that cycle of thoughts, I will automatically go away, want to escape to somewhere no one knows me, want to disappear.

I think no one would be happy, staying by my side if I just stay the same. Who would want to stay with a person like that? I usually tell myself if no one is looking out for me, I’ll look out for myself, and if no one cares about me, I’ll have to be there caring for myself. But it is just, the void inside me, wouldn’t let me. No matter how many times I’m telling myself that it is okay, nothing can be compared to when you tell me that it is gonna be okay.

I’m like a child in a grown-up costume, aren’t I? Not as innocent though, not as pure, not as truthful.

I have to change. I can’t keep hurting people like this. I can’t keep withdrawing, I want to be part of people’s lives, someone who is important to me see that I am present right here, confidently in the middle of the room, smiling.

Because I’m constantly withdrawing myself, and that hurts those who love me genuinely.

Because I’m immature, couldn’t handle my own things. Because I need them to know that I love them and I care about them.

I don’t want to write about myself here for everyone to judge me, but I thought it would make me more committed to my promise: communicate, overcome and believe in yourself. I have met enough people to know, though vaguely, who I want to become. I want to become a cool grown-up.

Promise?

Promised.